Little Stalky's Adventures at Alton Towers

Did you know that Little Stalkys don't like theme park rides.  Not one bit.  Yet I've been to Alton Towers twice.  For those of you who don't know, Alton Towers is one of the biggest theme parks in England and is host to many terrifying rides.  Now I'm not scared of heights, I'm not scared I'm going to fall out of the roller coaster, I'm not scared the roller coaster is going to break down, I just hate the flip flop feeling in my stomach when I'm sent hurtling around a track.  So, my first trip to Alton Towers was a few years back and I figured I could go on some of the smaller rides and see what I thought.  Mystical Roo and Monster Noggin seemed determined to get me on Nemesis but I knew that was never going to happen.  Instead we arrived and they decided to get me to go on Air, a roller coaster where your legs dangle below you.  A roller coaster with loops.  I eyed this roller coaster with a suspicious gaze before looking trustingly at my companions.  First ride of the day.  We'll ease you into it.  This ride is boring really.  Yeah, it's so slow that we just talk all the way round.  In fact, it's just a great way to see the park.  It's like you're gently gliding above the trees.  What a fool I was to ever trust!  I should have trusted my instincts instead, as I stood in line for that dreadful ride.  People are screaming, people are going in circles.  Surely this can't be good.  I remember waiting for our turn as the carriage pulled in, looking at Monster Noggin and Mystical Roo who smiled encouragingly.  The harness clamped down over my shoulders and it was only then, when the chairs started to tip forward so that I was face down to the ground that I realised this was a bad idea.  A really bad idea.  I've broken out into a cold sweat just writing this.  I try to block out my memories after that moment.  I have vague recollections of dizziness and horror as the roller coaster whizzed around, up and down.  I know I was screaming.  I know Mystical Roo and Monster Noggin were laughing.  I'm fairly sure they've regained feeling in their hands now but my nails were digging in rather deep.  I got off that ride with a wobbly sensation and vowed never to do it again.  Gentle glide over the park my ass.  Honestly!  So our next adventure was on the swinging pirate ship.  How bad can it be?  It's just like a giant swing.  Look, there are small children on there and they're smiling.  Ok.  So, we get on the pirate ship.  Sit at the back as apparently this is the best place to be.  It starts swinging.  I start screaming.  In fact, I remember having to force myself to stop screaming because the aforementioned small children were turning around to see what all the fuss was about.  I went foetal at that point and practically slithered off the seat as I tried to crawl underneath Mystical Roo.  I'm fairly sure I had a tear in my eye as I willed that damned boat to stop swinging.  I should have known better, what with my seasickness and all.  A rocking boat?  What an excellent idea.  After that I decided I was best off carrying bags and eating sweets.  Both of which I think I did rather well.  After that day I discovered that the only ride I really enjoyed was the river rapids.  Just the right amount of thrill for a Little Stalky and no seasickness!  So the next time I went to Alton Towers I was happy to carry bags, eat sweets and take rides on the river rapids.  And this time I had Duke to keep me company.  The only problem was...the toes.  A week or so earlier I'd had a lovely operation to remove ingrowing toenails on my big toes, was bandaged up and under strict instructions NOT to get them wet.  So I'm wandering around Alton Towers in flip flops (or thongs if you're Australian) with two bandaged toes sticking out and the only ride I want to go on is the one that's guaranteed to get them wet.  Yet somehow I reason that they won't.  We're inside the boat after all and I'm not going to fall in the water.  How wet can they get?  Very wet apparently.  Big whoops.  After a boogie on the dance machine in the arcade Duke has to find me the first aid shed as my bandages are starting to unravel.  Bad, bad Stalky.  We find a nurse who kindly re bandages my toes for me and we leave the shed wondering how we can get back on the ride without getting the bandages wet again.  Perhaps we should have just left it but we had a mission and were determined to find a solution!  We ended up in a gift shop and decided to purchase some rather fetching plastic ponchos.  These would surely protect us from the splashes of the rapids.  Yes, but what about the toes.  And then an ingenious solution.  Why not wear bags over my feet?  In fact look, lets ask the sales assistant if we can please have two plastic bags.  The sales assistant obliges and I have two bright red plastic bags to wear on either foot.  But how to fix them in place?  Sellotape?  String?  Staples?  Hmm.  And then we realise Mystical Roo has left us with a pair of socks.  Why?  I simply cannot remember.  All I know is those socks were put to most excellent use.  So, bag on foot and then sock over the top of bag and voila!  You have a crazy look.  We headed back to the river rapids and received numerous amused glances.  I was wearing a colourful plastic poncho, no shoes and over sized socks from which peeps of red plastic bags were poking out of.  Who says I put fashion before practical!  As ridiculous as I looked it solved the problem and my bandages stayed dry the whole time.  Duke and I spent the rest of the afternoon going round and round the rapids in matching ponchos.  Most excellent!