Return of the Roach

Oh yes it's warming up over here and I found more evidence that summer is on the way in the form of a dead cockroach sprawled on my counter top.  Oh I shudder at the thought.  These particular beasties are huge.  Just monstrous.  And they appear as soon as the weather starts heating up.  It seems that they find there way into people's homes via the drains in the bathroom and then the invasion begins.  Every now and then you see one scuttling across the carpet and boy can those things move!  For seemingly ungraceful, large beasties, they're rather speedy.  I don't dare splat one of these things for fear that the resulting mess would not only cover the walls but also Little Stalky.  I kind of imagine they would spit out a smelly green goo or something.  Not only that but the size of these things would make me feel like I was killing an animal and then I would feel sad.  So, bashing the cockroaches is out of the question, which inevitably leads to a Little Stalky chasing a cockroach around the house.  Sometimes I'll arm myself with a magazine in the hope of getting some scoop action going on.  Other times I'll grab a glass with ideas of trapping the beastie before freeing it onto next door's balcony (joking!).  I think I've even tackled the situation with a broom.  The trouble is the cockroaches don't want to go back outside and seem to do everything in their power to stay in my flat.  They slip and slide their way off the top of the magazines, they zig zag across the floor at such speed that I become out of breath - out run by a cockroach; oh the shame - , and they're so big that some of the buggers don't actually fit underneath a glass.  Now that's just freaky!  Freaky and sneaky.  The cockroaches like to launch various sneak attacks which always result in a screaming Stalky.  Sometimes even a hip hopping Stalky.  And I don't rap, only when drunk, this is more of a hopping from one foot to the other as I react to seeing a cockroach hiding next to the toilet.  If I had skirts on I'd be flapping them.  I have learnt, however, that cockroaches do not appreciate my screaming.  In fact, as soon as I start screaming they seem to run around in circles in an attempt to escape.  So after pleas to Mystical Roo that a cockroach was guarding the toilet, refusing to let me enter and receiving little assistance I decided I would continue to scream at the cockroach until it left the bathroom.  Surprisingly this worked, though not before I looked like a crazy woman giving short bursts of scream in an attempt to rid my bathroom of the big black beastie.  And it's not just the household that these cockroaches invade.  They're everywhere.  We've been walking home from the pub of a night and all of a sudden something will shoot out in front of us.  Christ! Was that a cat?  Why no, it was a monster cockroach.  And they zig zag in front of your feet like they're trying to goad you.  Shifting in and out of the shadows like masked monsters.  And yes, coming back from the pub we may have had a drink or two, but I know they're out there.  Lurking in the dark.  Waiting to launch their cockroach attack.  But the one I found the other day, first cockroach of the season, was lying on it's back and was certainly not feeling well.  I have no idea what it was up to but something or someone thwarted it's attempts.  I didn't have to scream at it or anything.  Perhaps my cape wearing do-gooder, thwarter of demonic domestic devices is actually a cockroach crusader too.  A caped cockroach crusader!  I see I'm going to have to keep my eye on Mystical Roo.  I don't think I've ever seen them in the same room at the same time....