Handbag of Doom

Sometimes I have days where things just get on my nerves.  Like washing the sieve.  That gets on my nerves.  Never has there been a more annoying item of kitchenware to wash than the sieve.  Damn you sieve!  For all of your vegetable draining, pasta straining qualities, you're still a pain to wash up.  Today my handbag has been driving me loco.  Sometimes I feel like Mary Poppins with a bottomless pit of a bag.  The only thing is, things seem to go missing in that black hole.  It's like I can hear my keys jingling in the bottom somewhere, I know I put them in my bag, but for the life of me I cannot get my hands on the things.  It's the same when my phone starts ringing.  Happily chirping from somewhere in the depths of my bag and yet impossibly out of reach.  My phone isn't exactly small, my handbag isn't exactly big, the phone is ringing, vibrating AND glowing, but somehow, I can't find it.  When I finally do get my mitts on the thing it will have stopped ringing and I'll miss the call by seconds.  Mystical Roo has a strong opinion on handbags and thinks that if we women didn't fill them with so much rubbish, it would make things easier to find.  I thought he had a fair point and so I did empty my bag on unnecessary items, but still the phone and the keys elude me.  Maybe they're in league with each other!  I also got stabbed by something in my bag the other day.  That scared the crap out of me.  What with living in Australia and all, my first thought was a spider had bitten me!  Or a snake!  Or a small, land dwelling, handbag inhabiting shark.  It turned out to be my name badge from work.  One of the lesser known deadly creatures of Australia.  Maybe I should follow Mystical Roo and be satisfied with having my phone and keys in my pocket.  But what about my purse?  My gum?  My tissues?  My diary?  Surely no one has pockets big enough!  Maybe if I carry a torch in my bag I can use it to illuminate the black hole and better retrieve these elusive items.  But I bet the black hole would get to my torch first, so I would need a second torch to find the first torch, to find my keys/phone/purse.  Ok I'm going to get one of those miners helmets with the torch on top.  Then I can wear the torch and won't have to risk losing it in the handbag of doom.  Practical and stylish!