Sun, Sea and Sand

Here in Oz we're heading back towards summer and whilst that means sun, sea, sand and BBQs it also means braving the beach in your...bikini.  Is there a woman out there who doesn't dread this?  Yes.  That lady who walks out of the ocean looking like no less than a Goddess.  Hair tousled but not too tousled.  Bikini perfectly in place.  Bronzed skin with no dodgy tan lines.  Dolphins swimming by her side, squirting strategically aimed fountains of water so as to enhance her glory.  Who is this woman and where does she live?  I want to ask her a few questions.  Maybe she's a mermaid.  That would certainly explain the dolphin activity.  But seriously, is it possible to look even remotely passable on the beach?  I've yet to achieve this.  The beginning of summer is the worst as I'm so pale the light is literally reflecting from my pasty skin.  Add the fact that I'm a bit over enthusiastic with the suncream and you've got full on snowman girl!  Er, Stalky, you've got a little something...everywhere...all over your face.  And even though I slather myself in the stuff you can guarantee that I've missed a random strip and will end up with a weird red triangle of sunburn, which will then proceed to go brown and then I'll be left with a random triangle for the rest of the summer.  No one likes a random triangle.  When are triangles ever good?  The Bermuda Triangle?  Hello!  Any hoo, I've stopped trying to do anything to tame my hair now.  The hair knows when there's humidity in the air and nothing will stop the inevitable frizz.  Nothing!  Add a dunking in the sea and you know the battle is lost.  Salt water, sand, maybe even a crab or a bit of seaweed - with this combination nothing is going to get the hair under control.  Just go with it and ignore the sideways glances.  I've also decided that it's impossible to be even remotely glamorous whilst in the sea.  Firstly there's the horrible walk from the safety of your towel to the beckoning ocean.  Walking across the beach, trying to avoid any random pits that have been dug by small children, holding things in place and willing your bikini bottoms to stop riding up your butt!  The sand is hot of course so you have a kind of weird chicken walk going on as you burn the soles of your feet.  But then when you get down to the water you remember it's actually quite cold at first and so have this kind of shivering dance going on where your shoulders go really high and you try and pull your body up and out of the water.  This is always accompanied by some sort of high pitched squealing.  Note, it's often the pommys who have trouble getting in the water whilst the ozzies just dive straight in.  You'd think we'd be used to the cold.  Usually a big wave will actually force you in and you realise it's better to get a bit deeper so that you can hide in the water.  It's not so bad once you're actually in.  So you're happily bobbing about, scanning for seaweed, fish, sharks, bobbing about, scanning for sharks, bobbing, scanning for sharks, bobbing and then WHAM!  Where the hell did that big-ass wave come from.  And where have my bikini bottoms gone.  Noooooo!  You've then got a few seconds to rearrange your bikini so that you don't scare small children, push the hair out of your face and ascertain whether that really is salt water coming out of your nose or genuine snot.  Ok, so continue bobbing, scanning, bobbing and then decide you're scared of the waves so want to get out.  Alright, so Goddess right, I can wade out of the water with beachy hair, bikini in place and I won't trip over.  Crap.  But the wave will knock me on my face.  So here's a realistic image of someone coming out of the surf.  Hair all over the place, pasted to my face in a way that makes me wonder if I've somehow grown a beard.  Bikini skewed but thankfully covering everything it should be covering.  A bit of seaweed stuck to my leg.  And hmm, my bikini bottoms feel somewhat heavy.  Oh yes, there's a big pile of sand hanging in there.  Where does this sand come from!  Where!  It makes you look like you've done a big poo.  No one wants to look like they've done a big poo.  Ok, so back in the water, jiggle the bikini bottoms, get the sand out.  Sand out!  Then hurry back to the towel, dodge a child, sit down and let the sand stick to your wet pasty body.  I can sit here and dry in the lovely sun, my hair is already beginning to refriz and sea water continues to drip from my nose.  I look glorious.  And then you've got Mystical Roo who just dives in the ocean, strolls back out looking like James Bond and returns to the towel looking effortlessly cool.  What the hell?!