Greetings and Salutations

There are so many different ways of greeting people from raising a hand in acknowledgement to a kiss on the cheek.  How you greet someone will often depend on where you are in the world, how well you know a person and your own preferences for personal space and who you want in it.  I'm terrible at the whole hello / goodbye malarkey and find it all very confusing.  It would be much easier if everyone could just say, hello or goodbye and that be that.  But no, nothing is straight forward.  Especially not in Stalky land.  It seems to me that people are a lot more huggy in Australia.  I guess that's a nice thing but I'm not the most huggy of people.  In fact, I'm not the most touchy feely of people, so sometimes even a handshake is pushing it.  I don't know where that hand has been!  I like my space.  A lot of it.  And unless you're invited, you should think carefully about invading it.  So it's not natural for me to go in for a handshake or a hug when greeting people and wishing them farewell.  Normally I'll go for a nod and a smile and if you're lucky, a little wave.  But now handshaking has been thrown into the mix and it catches me off guard.  Then I have to think about things.  Like how hard to grip your hand.  Do I like you?  If not I might squeeze a bit harder.  You didn't notice?  Oh, that's because I'm weak!  Anyway, I like most people and I don't go around aggressively squeezing hands.  Unless I catch sight of a land dwelling shark just over your shoulder or a pigeon flying overhead.  But please be assured that is a simply a reaction of tension.  I'm preparing myself for a fight.  But less importantly than the pressure of a shake is the length of time one should be holding someones hand.  Not very long if you ask me.  Shake once, maybe twice but any longer than that and you're holding hands!  Being the lady that I am, hand shaking doesn't come up all that often.  People seem to want to hug me instead.  Or kiss me on the cheek.  I might be able to handle this if I didn't always seem to cock it up.  If someone wants to kiss me on the cheek I end up hugging them and they get a mouthful of hair.  If someone wants a hug they get a face full of cheek.  Or, I can't work out which direction we're meant to be going in and you get a kind bird bopping dance where both of you are shifting before you end up butting heads.  If you ask me, a nod and a smile are a lot more effective and sometimes less dangerous.  The amount of times I've got jewelery stuck in a friends hair.  No one likes that!  Physical gestures aside, the actual verbal greetings confuse the hell out of me too.  No one says hello and goodbye anymore.  It's all "how's it hanging" and "how you going?"  Ok, I've got the hang of "how you going?" as this is commonly used in Australia.  The correct response appears to be "good".  I've never had any complaints at this response.  I got totally thrown at a gathering at Monster Noggin's the other night when not one but two separate Australians asked me "What's happening."  What's happening?  What do you mean what's happening.  A party of sorts is happening.  People are eating ham and cheese and listening to music.  There's a storm outside.  And so on.  The first gentleman to ask me "what's happening" was someone who I didn't know that well so after a pause, a thought, all I could come out with was "stuff."  I quickly changed the subject.  The next Australian who asked me "what's happening" was someone I could be more brutally honest with.  I gave her a confused look and demanded what the correct answer to such a question could be.  Because quite frankly it made no sense to me.  Apparently "chilling" is a good response.  So, Little Stalky, "what's happening?".  "Oh, just chilling."  That doesn't sound stupid coming out of my mouth at all.  And what happens when I'm not chilling.  What happens if I was in a full on battle with a rogue washing machine.  Would the answer then be, "oh, just battling."  My God, these Aussies are so laid back.  Nothing ruffles their feathers.  Not even an attack from a rogue washing machine!  In defence of the Aussie "language" we do manage to confuse them with statements such as "you alright?", our own way of asking "why, how are you my dear?"  This leads to much blinking and head scratching.  They seem to consider it a genuine comment of concern that specifically asks after their health.  It's all so damned confusing.  I had a couple of French guests in yesterday and it was much easier saying "bonjour, cava?" and "bon soir."  Maybe I'll just stick to French instead!